Stand and Deliver

Let’s face it, pregnancy sucks. Don’t misunderstand me—I am awed by the complicated process of getting pregnant and being able to, dare I say, miraculously sustain a life in my womb. Obviously, the end result is the single most intense and amazing reward one gets in life. It’s the journey that is a monumental pain in the ass, rife with anxiety, fatigue, a mile-long list of things that can go wrong, and an even longer list of things that do go wrong. Or at least awry, and usually temporarily.

First up, the mood swings—wanting to hurl blunt objects at strangers in the supermarket just because. They are frequent and, well, uncomfortable, often leading to tears. My husband can attest to that. (But, please, there is no real need for you to comment should you happen to read this…) Then, there are the middle-of-the-night muscle spasms in my calves that so rudely jolt me from an already restless sleep. Hmmm, how ‘bout those, ahem, hemorrhoids!? Next, are the wild bouts of intense nausea, followed by periods of eating a week’s worth the food in one sitting with a Tums chaser (one of the few “medications” a pregnant woman can actually ingest). These are but a few of my personal pregnancy peeves, though I could write at least another two paragraphs.

In case it was assumed I was going to write an unrelated paragraph, here is a long list of annoying pregnancy symptoms, some of which I have personally experienced in one, or all, of my pregnancies: pigmentation changes, varicose veins, bloating, vomiting, ligament stretching, vaginal pain (yeah, like weird shooting pains around the vulva area), cramping, frequent urination, physical and emotional exhaustion (the likes of which can only be described as how you would feel if someone beat you, then kindly gave you a half dozen Xanax), leukorrhea (coined “Cheeseburger Crotch” on WebMD), throbbing breasts, itchiness (breasts and stomach, especially), excessive hair growth (think Sasquatch), food cravings and aversions (including a strange phenomenon called “Pica,” an inexplicable occurrence during which people crave inedible things like dirt and motor oil), insomnia, heartburn, constipation (best friend of both bloating and hemorrhoids), and a perpetually stuffy and/or bloody nose. Please feel free to add any that I missed in the comment section below.

In my experience, managing pregnancy symptoms requires keeping your eye on the prize, a bottle of Tylenol, a heating pad, cold compresses, a humidifier, and an extremely loving and patient husband. Oh, yeah, and good friends who don’t cringe when you mention “Cheeseburger Crotch.”