This week I had the rare opportunity to go to my monthly OB appointment sans baby (thanks, Mom!). A typical visit involves a constant vigil to entertain my incredibly active almost-toddler. Instead, I sat back on the couch in the waiting room and grabbed Pregnancy magazine, getting hooked on a two page ad for bumGenius cloth diapers, and its 10% off coupon. Not being one to surreptitiously shove office magazines into my bag, I held up the magazine to Kate, my OB’s aging hippie receptionist, and before I got my question out, she said, “Yes, take it, they’re free.”
When I got home, and without actually meaning to do so, I found myself reading the article, Dealing with Breastfeeding Bullies, written by Nanny Stella of Nanny 911. I guess I have a bit of a breastfeeding fire lit under my ass lately, most recently due to a gaggle of radical nursing Nazis on Facebook who were admonishing moms who formula feed. Naturally, it got me thinking about my own nursing experience with my youngest child, Kai. (Due to several factors, some of which are admittedly selfish, I never even attempted to nurse my oldest child, Trevor. Regrettably. That being said, I developed a devotion to nursing the next child.)
The plan was to nurse Kai upwards of a year, something totally doable considering that I am a stay at home mom. My husband and I invested in a Medela InStyle double pump and a ton of nursing necessities that quickly added up to a few bucks. Money well spent, right? Not really.
I began acclimating Kai to nursing when he was just an hour or so old. That was on a Thursday. By Saturday, my nipples were in pretty rough shape, my milk was coming in with a vengeance, and Kai began to cluster feed, a term with which I was unfamiliar and that translates to “Welcome to Hell!” But, hey, Kai made up for the cluster feed by sleeping all morning on Sunday. In fact, he had slept for such a long stretch that I suspected the nurses of slipping him a bottle of formula. I was told that his last feeding was with me, early Sunday morning. Paranoia unfounded.
Before being discharged that day, I attended a nursing class, for good measure, to make sure that I was doing all that I could to ensure a successful experience for both of us. All was smooth until 11:30 PM Monday evening, when Kai began to cluster feed again. It lasted until about, oh, 4’something AM Tuesday morning! (Now you know what cluster feeding is…)
The cluster feed came to an abrupt halt as my husband—beside himself with exhaustion and frustration from listening to my escalating sobs and Kai’s hungry screams—did the unthinkable. He gave Kai a bottle of formula. On one hand, Kai was able to satisfy his hunger (after all, he was a full 10 pounds at birth!) and we were all able to fall asleep shortly thereafter. On the other hand, Kai immediately began to refuse my nipples, which I was hoping wouldn’t happen.
Over the next day or two, I arduously worked on both getting Kai to latch on to me again, while supplementing with both formula and pumped breast milk, and getting my nipples back into shape with some APNO (all purpose nipple ointment—a pricey cure-all made by an apothecary pharmacy) cream. Just when things were looking brighter, I developed mastitis in my right breast, leaving me feverish and hopeless in bed, ready to give up on nursing, something that I naively thought was going to be easy and fluid. I was started on antibiotics (I could continue nursing on them) and immediately began to increase the frequency with which I pumped to increase my milk production and unblock the duct, all the while trying to get Kai to re-latch. I also began reaching out to other nursing mothers and got in touch my local La Leche League, desperate to continue nursing.
In the course of reaching out, a couple of women enlightened me about nipple shields and I felt like we would be back on track in no time! The universe saw differently, though. Kai had stringy, bloody, mucous-y poop in several of his diapers, alarming both his father and me. We went to Kai’s pediatrician the following day, armed with a plastic bag full of soiled diapers. “Oh, he’s got a milk protein allergy,” his doctor assured us. “Sh*t,” I thought. “Approximately 50% of all babies with a cow’s milk protein allergy are also allergic to soy,” she added. Double sh*t. We were sent on our way with some samples of Nutramigen formula and some stool sample slides.
Without a second thought, I decided to give up on nursing. I was pissed and defeated. Being that I’m a vegetarian who gets protein from some soy sources (but not in the soy milk/cheese/yogurt variety, more like Boca stuff) and calcium from dairy (and almonds), I couldn't imagine how I’d get my protein and calcium without taking supplements and starving myself. My reluctance lasted only a day however, as I began to rethink my selfishness and refocus on what was best for Kai. “I can do this,” I told myself.
So, a diet modification and some nipple shields were on the menu (no pun, in either case). But, no sooner was I on track again, pumping and dumping for a few days to clear my body of that which Kai is allergic to, that I noticed a tiny part of my c-section scar was open and oozing pus. The infection was confirmed and I was tested for MRSA because it had been making rounds in the maternity ward at my hospital for more than 6 months at that point. I was put on Bactrim, a very potent antiobiotic, and told that I could only pump and dump for the next two weeks. Several days later, my doctor said that my incision site tested positive for MRSA.
Ummm, WTF? Seriously. I was beside myself and feeling utterly hopeless about breastfeeding. How could something that is so natural and beautiful and efficient be such a nightmare? To boot, when we brought Kai’s stool samples back to his doctor, she confirmed that he wasn’t responding well to the formula and switched him to Neocate, a 50 dollar per can hypo-allergenic, amino acid based formula. The prescription was written for 10 cans a month and if our insurance company didn’t cover the cost, we would have been forced into a life of crime. Well, not really, but you know…
I gave up. With a big, grand “Eff It,” too. I felt crushed. I felt like less of a woman. And I felt tired. Yes, I could have pumped and dumped for those two weeks and continued with dietary changes, but I chose not to because I needed a break, coming off two solid weeks of infections, healing, sleep deprivation, crying, doctor visits, and hopelessness.
Lactivists, as nursing Nazis are affectionately called, would say that I should have and could have hung in there, but I made a conscious decision to stop. I intuitively felt that it was more important to decompress and relax with my new baby, and enjoy him in ways that I just wasn’t during our nursing experience.
This next time around, the plan is to dust my ass off and get back on the horse. Giddyup.
About Me
- Candice
- Massachusetts, United States
- Wife to one, mom of three, low-energy-type coffee junkie (which, of course, goes hand-in-hand with motherhood), reluctant minivan owner, rock-n-roller, vegetarian, cloth diaperer, perpetual student (well, I'd like to be, but I'm well in the hole with student loans), abuser of parentheses (see previous uses) and ellipses (because so much is open-ended)...
what a tough go of it! i didn't nurse my first either, but with the next three i didn't have anything quite as difficult as you had to go through. i did have mastitis once and nothing can prepare you for the nipple misery in the beginning but all of them just latched and took off. i feel very fortunate for that knowing the variety of problems that can arise. good for you for giving it another try, i hope it all goes smooth and chloe latches well from the start :)
ReplyDeleteAwww, thanks for the encouragement. I hope it all goes smoothly as well. I mean, how much worse could it get? :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had such a miserable experience. Although I consider myself a "lactivist" - I don't think that individuals are to blame when nursing doesn't work. Look at how hard you tried! Look at how hard you worked! As a society, we need to do a better job of supporting mothers. Until we do, I don't know how we can judge any mother who chooses not to nurse or who tries and does not have the outcome she desired. I hope this time around goes better for you - it is hard, but it is amazing - you will get there. Don't let the hardcore advocates scare you away - I consider myself pretty hardcore but I don't believe we'll ever make progress by judging and blaming - we need to educate and support. This motherhood thing is hard work - we should give ourselves and each other a break! I owe you some cloth diaper feedback and apologize for not sending it sooner - I am going to try leaving it as another comment (tried before and got shut out...it was too ridiculously long I think!)
ReplyDeleteHere is the crazy, over the top cloth diaper feedback, taken out of an email I sent to a friend. If you want more info, I'm always happy to blab on and on about cloth diapers, so feel free to send an email to me at aprilpurinton@gmail.com:
ReplyDeleteSo cloth diapers - we use prefolds and Proraps covers - it is a very affordable and very simple system. There are a lot of fancy options out there but there are many important things to consider: sizing (how well the diaper will fit and for how long), washability (some cloth, like BumGenius, have very specific washing instructions, and if you don't follow them exactly ie. using the wrong detergent, it can ruin the diaper), cost, leakage, and ease of use. Grobaby is a good option on affordability and sizing, since it's a one size diaper. I have a sister in law who uses them and I believe she's also happy with how they wash. I don't know about leakage. I didn't like BumGenius, I find they leak more than our current system (which NEVER leak) and they're quite pricey. When you consider cost, you need to consider how many you want to buy, which depends on how often you want to wash. Babyworks.com is a good website and has a great mail order catalog with a lot of info on how many to buy, what type of pail to use, detergent for washing, etc. The diapers with throw-away inserts (G Diaper etc) are expensive, not much different than prefolds w/covers in functionality, and a burden in that you keep having to go out and buy more inserts. I don't know about leaks.
All that said, we use chinese prefolds (Babyworks sells a wonderful and affordable one - you have to make sure you buy authentic chinese prefolds and NOT the ones from Babies 'R Us because they don't absorb as well) and the proraps like I mentioned. For two babies we use about 40 prefolds (that's a lot) and 18 covers (again, a comfortable number). I use a bio-waste child-proof, odor-proof pail I bought from Babyworks. We have a BumGenius diaper sprayer that attaches to the toilet (like a high-pressure sink sprayer) that is fantastic for making cleanup a breeze. We NEVER have leaks. I use seventh generation detergent to clean them along with white vinegar and non-chlorine bleach. The chinese prefolds and proraps all fit for a long time - we're in the same size we were in six months ago and still have room to grow. We have had to buy a couple different sizes as the babies grew, but they are so affordable it is still a great option. They are easy to use - Kyle changes more diapers than any father I've ever met and he agrees that the system is super easy.
There's a lot to think about - let me know if you have any more questions - I am passionate about cloth diapers for so many reasons (better for the earth, more affordable, much better for baby, less leaking, earlier potty training...) and so am happy to give you any tips I can to make the process less confusing. I do know people who use all the systems I've spoken of, and like I said I've tried some of them myself, but as a mom of twins who like to make life as simple as possible, I am a big fan of the prefolds and covers.
When I had my son, we tried breastfeeding in the hospital. The nurse was trying to get him to latch, but he wanted no part of it. He was screaming, I was crying, and the nurses made me feel like a failure. The guilt started in the hospital, and got so bad that I signed myself out a day early after a c-section because I was getting so depressed and hormonal that I kept bursting into tears. I gave my son formula, and he was content and happy. I came home, and didn't have luck breastfeeding. We chose to formula feed. I have had lactivists judge me, belittle me, say that I'm a bad mother, and guilt trip me. They say that had I breastfed, my son would have no allergies, be healthy, be bonded to me, be smart, be perfect in every way. The thing is...my son is all of those things. He has no allergies except he can get a bit sniffly around high pollen season (which pretty much everyone here does), has rarley ever gotten sick in the past 4 years. He is bonded to me yet still has a healthy drive to be independent (I think this is important)and per his doctor, is advanced developementally at this time. He is a great sleeper. He's kind and loving, funny and very much the 4 year old. He's normal. He was formula fed. I have no problem with mothers who choose to breastfeed. More power to them! (ok, those that breastfeed past toddler stage do kind of make me a bit uncomfortable, but maybe that's just me. Just being honest). But at the end of the day, a bit of support goes a long way in either scenario.
ReplyDeleteThanks, anonymous. You are absolutely right in saying that support goes a long way. I got less support in deciding to formula feed than in continuing on with my nightmare nursing experience. And, yes, my two formula fed children are also fine. I agree that breast milk is best, but sometimes we just cannot nurse. And it's okay. We have to give ourselves a break!
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